AN OPEN LETTER

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Dear Travelling Lorises 

I assume you are part loris because most humans I surround myself with move much faster. I have spent time in 25 airports since January and have seen you sloping your way through multiple security checkpoints, after our last encounter at Moscow’s Domedovo Airport, I had to speak up. 

To the brown-haired woman at Charles de Gaulle, cheese is not a carry on item- even if it is Mimolette, plus your blue marine Longchamp bag will have trace St. Marcelin odors which linger.

In your dreams, Miss Russia 2013, yes, your steel pointed boots with matching medal studs are on trend however they are not metal detector friendly, neither are your sunglasses or your leather bomber jacket. 

To the teens traveling through Schiphol with your clogging troupe from Michigan, Ipads and tablets just like computers need to be removed from your matching monogrammed backpacks. The Dutch speak better English than you, so please don’t pretend not to understand.

Men dripping in faux-gold and real-gold jewelry should be avoided in security lines and in real life. This is not airport specific, it is excellent life advice to women who travel alone!

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Ladies from Canada who appear to be a on a pilgrimage in Santiago fully dressed in white- 100ml is the same measurement in Brazil, India, New York, Moscow and well, Canada, I hope you had a safe journey, found clarity and remembered your Tide to Go pens.

Family from Egypt, most air carriers serve butter, you don’t need to bring your own bars of creamy gold, even if Egyptian butter is better. 

Sir with the foot spa, where are you going to plug this in? Your seat mate does not want to see your gnarled toenails. I saw the deals in the Delhi airport. I paused a moment and contemplated the relief of a heated foot massage and whirlpool experience, but I said no thank you; you should have too.

Stylish young man in Sao Paulo, I am surprised, you are sharply dressed and Stamos handsome, however you reek as though you doused yourself in an entire bottle of designer cologne, in life and especially when you fly, moderation is key, but I really like your pocket square.

From one adept traveler to those of you on the path to shedding your loris cloaks, prepare before you arrive at the airport and let’s agree, right now not to bring food on flights and even more important than this- showering the day of our flights, essential.

For those of you not ready to commit to this, stay home or I hear trains and ferries are much more accommodating. 

Sincerely,

Traveling Great White Shark- fast, efficient and clean

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